Brazilian Underwear Company Has the Same Name As Donkey Kong Villain

That reaction says it all.

Not so long ago, the world got a taste of the unexpected yet undeniably fabulous new boy band, Big Bad Bosses, which is made up of four veteran video game villains.  Of course, if you're Bowser, Ganondorf, Sephiroth or Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik, you can pretty much write your ticket to cash from any venture on name-recognition alone.  Yet what about those other villains; the ones who aren't as well recognized, and have been out of work for a while?  What do they do to branch out with a new gig?  Well, if they're oversized crocodiles, apparently they sell panties to hipsters. 

Get a load of King K Rool--not the Kremling King who menaced Donkey Kong in a number of video games, but an uppity underwear corporation in Brazil, which sees great potential in lavishly illustrating the one bit of clothing most people aren't even going to see.  Or to take it from their "Sobre" (About) page, run through Babelfish:

WHO WE ARE? Who says we need to have a single style or follow gender patterns? Whatever you want, wear what you want, be you! Why can't they be sexy wearing panties?

Well, for one thing, "sexy" is rather subjective, dependent on the sexes and orientations of both the viewer and the viewed; men shouldn't expect to get the same type of lust women do by wearing novelty panties, considering there's no ignoring that massive bulge they add to the product!  But go on, King K Rool:

King k. Rool is a Studio specializing in design of underwear. Our products are original and irreverent, evading patterns and encouraging the causes in which we believe. 

Well certainly, nothing says proud irreverence like flagrantly violating a major corporation's trademarks, with the exception of violating one of the trademarks that the company actually uses these days!

Experience freedom in art form and color!

 That might mean more if it was about the sorts of clothes people actually see.

CREATIVE DIRECTORS We're Aline and Maria Fernanda, friends, partners, designers, in love with music, zombies, video games and, mainly, by design.

I think that bit I bolded pretty much confirms they knew exactly what they were doing.

We've always had trouble finding underwear unisex and funny. Thus, we created the King k. Rool, who also believes in freedom of expression. 

Um, no.  Rareware, working for Nintendo in the 1990s, created King K Rool, and if I remember correctly, he was quite the tyrant.  On the other hand, though, he did like dressing up in many costumes, so I guess people are complex!  But you still didn't create him!

King K Rool's products fall into three categories, Unisex, Hipster and Calcita.  The supposedly Unisex undies don't seem to have a peehole, though to be fair, peeholes are pretty unnecessary.  The Hipster line doesn't necessarily look any more or less hipster than the others, but I'm just curious why they'd name it after people who are well-known as The Anti-Sexy--but then, why would you name your business after an anthropomorphic crocodile?!  I'd like to comment on "Calcita", but putting it in Babelfish only managed to change the last vowel to an "e", so there's a lost cause.

Really, King K Rool doesn't seem to like to go into much detail, as evidenced by a blog post of theirs about gay rights...that is just their logo painted in the wrong rainbow colors with the wrong line breaks.

I don't really know what else to say about this, but maybe they do, so contact these eccentric entrepreneurs on FaceBook or Twitter if you like!

Throwback Thursday: I, Frankenstein Review

[Note: This was originally published circa October 2, 2014]

I'll say this for I, Frankenstein: It delivers what it promises.  This is DEFINITELY a movie about Frankenstein's monster (now known as Adam) battling demons alongside tepid gargoyle allies.  It even does that job reasonably well, with fluid fight choreography, artsy camera work, and a motif brimming with gothic...everything, basically.  It also makes the commendably bold choice of basing its anti-hero and plot specifically on Mary Shelly's original novel, rather than the more recognized and therefor marketable Universal Studios incarnation.  Unfortunately, by simple virtue (or is it sin?) of being a movie, it also makes IMPLIED promises of such things as plot, dialogue, characterization, and most-notably, PACING; that iconic bell-curve of story progression we learned in elementary school. (Setup, Conflict, Climax, Conclusion; if I remember correctly.)

Such subtleties are scarce here, and you miss them immediately.  Before the opening narration is even all the way done, Adam is attacked by demons and rescued by gargoyles [NOTE: They're also angels, basically; I forgot to mention that in the original review]; both out of the blue.  They offer him (not to mention us) the brief pleasure of a supporting cast, and then he leaves, narrates some more, fights some more demons, flashes forward, narrates some more, fights some more demons, revisits the angels, who do some demon fighting on their own, and once in a while there's a conversation, to remind you this isn't a video game...is the snark I would've made two decades ago (and other reviewers have already expressed such an opinion), but these days there are plenty of video games that have more dialogue than this film and are less linear to boot.

Once again, the problem isn’t even that anything that’s actually in this movie is necessarily bad.  It looks nice (read; it’s ugly as sin, but that’s appropriate in this case, and it’s detailed), almost all performances are competent (if none even remotely impressive), and as mentioned, the action scenes work fine of themselves.  The problem is that a lot of good things aren’t actually in this movie.  Without the elements that anchor the trailer-filling fight scenes together, it’s a disorganized mess that makes you wonder why you aren’t watching another action/horror movie; you never get a good feel for exactly what part the barely-existent story you’re seeing.  In fact, it’s arguable that the climax of this film feels less climatic than other scenes. (I won’t spoil it, but there wouldn’t be much love lost if I did.)

All of the above content would be sufficiently damning on its own, but I have a few more nitpicks to impart.  The first is that, due to the film’s constant kinetic pace, any ability to take seriously its backstory of a secret Heaven-Hell war raging under our noses for centuries, quickly flies out the window with a rain of shattered stain glass.  Somehow, despite both being able to transform into human form, neither the demons nor the gargoyles care a whiff for subtlety when they get down to their jobs, smashing things and vaulting through the sky in full-view throughout a European city (the film never specifies which one) that is somehow still intact and populous in spite.  All that might be a bit more forgivable had the film been even remotely self-aware and whimsical, but its humor is limited to a few dry situational snarks.

Which brings us to the second additional nitpick: Tragically, despite its unique concept, and despite applying a technically appropriate style to that concept, an action film has never felt so cliché.  The ugly characters, dark alleys, and halls are perfect for a franchise gothic from the start, and the Latin choir score and existential ramblings gel perfectly with the biblical theme.  Had it come out in some other time (and, it should go without saying, evaded at least some of the flaws I stated above), I, Frankenstein could have worn such distinctions well.  In the present era, though, thanks to the success of such films as The Matrix and Batman Begins, we’ve spent a decade full of action films abusing such morose tropes.  Onward through the 2010s, just when you think Marvel’s films have won their final heroic battle against that conformity, another black sheep comes along to add to the sludge of a long mostly-black flock.

All that being said, I can say one thing emphatically positive about this movie: It’s a blast to make fun of; like no other B movie in recent memory.  I’ve had some great laughs today, all the way from hearing my friends weigh in their thoughts, through reading critics’ reviews of this movie, to writing my own.  Describe it at any length, and jokes write themselves that I didn’t even know I had before I started it.  This dubious honor may well grant the film a twisted sort of immortality—much like a lightning bolt frying a corpse.

Life Imitates Pranks: The Strange Case of Jaden Smith in a Dress

Back in March, I decided I would take full advantage of writing for a well-trafficked media website to play an April Fools joke on people.  I actually had several gag articles in mind, but ultimately, only one got written--both because I found myself short on time, and also because a few I had planned were too scandalous.  Ultimately, I just went with a joke article about Jaden Smith playing as Pollyanna in a new remake.  Few if any have accused my sense of humor of being subtle, and here, I wrote in an intentionally silly way that should have tipped everyone off that that this was a joke--as if the date didn't.  Yet the reaction the article got was, above all else, strange.  It got shared multiple times; almost certainly by bots in some cases, and it registered on IMDB.  Yet nobody commented on the article, or remarked on it being a joke.  Then, things got stranger.

I had always wondered how my supervisors would take this, and there were times I considered asking them, ahead of time, if it was okay to do it.  I abstained from asking just because I felt the more people I could pull the joke on, the better.  The very next day, I got exactly one mention of my work as part of a general email from my supervisors:

Glad to see my work being read!

So, I figured either we had one long piss-take that the world had taken at my joke instead of chuckling or calling it out, or they just didn't read it.  Only recently did I learn of a third, more paranormal possibility; that somehow, unbeknownst to myself up until recently, I am clairvoyant on the matter of men in drag, and the reason my joke didn't get treated as such was that, in fact, it wasn't such.  As it turns out, Jaden has been seen in a dress. 

A rather Lolita dress at that.

 That was recently, but apparently he's been interested in such clothes for quite some time.  From the way that article is worded, it sounds almost like he's a young, black, male Lady Gaga. 

Yet what if there's more to it?  Could it really be that I psychically concluded a hidden truth, and this young, audacious actor really is going to star in a remake of Pollyanna?  I don't know.  It sounds crazy.  Still, if in fact, I do have the power to predict such things, I'm just going to say, Joss Whedon as Princess Peach in a new Mario movie.  Make it happen; forces that be.

The Ten Lamest Pokemon Names!

I'll return to my regularly scheduled essay format after this, but tonight I bring you a cynical look back at my 1990s childhood; as I am prone to taking often enough.  These are the Pokemon names for which Nintendo and Gamefreak dropped the ball and didn't even try.

10) Ekans

This sounded like meaningless gibberish until we realized that it's just the word, "snake", backwards.  There was ample precedent to call it "Serple", or "Purpent", which would be both more descriptive of exactly what sort of snake (I'm pretty sure that there's no purple snakes in this world, after all) and creative.  Still, at least the lameness was subtle enough in this one; unlike the rest of these.

9) Krabby

I really don't know if they were trying to make a normal animal sound cuter, as in, Doggy, Kitty, Birdy, or Eely, or trying to convey that it's a constant grouch.  Either way, I can't hear it without thinking of Spongebob cooking it into a burger.

Though it does beg the question of exactly how crabs got associated with being grouchy in the first place.  Because they pinch people who pick on them?  Yeah; that's self-defense, genius; almost every animal has some sort.  Are you ignoring this just because they look so different that you can't empathize with them, or because they taste so good you don't care to think about their wishes?

Well, you fail extra hard then, Pokemon staff.  Not only is this name lame; it's also racist!

An attitude they have fortunately moved on from since then!

8) Hippopotas

First of all, I don't know of anything including the syllables "popo" that I can take seriously.  Moreover, though, there's no way this could stay off the list when it needed to be said that removing letters from a word could create results just as stupid as adding them.  It would be like calling Rhyhorn "Rhinocous", or calling Lapras "Pleasiaur", or calling Meowth, "Siamat".  I can't even say this thing's name right without preparing myself, since it is in effect, going against 29 years of saying "hippopotamus" correctly.

7) Seel

Sometimes, when I see the direction literacy is going on such places as the YouTube comments section, I worry that some evil witchdoctor might have revived E. E. Cummings and is  using him to take over the world with terrible spelling and grammar.  What I'm not sure is why I didn't have this worry back in the 1990s, when Pokemon decided to change one letter in an actual animal's name and call it a day.  Granted, I hadn't had as many pretentious literature teachers trying to convince me E. E. Cummings was a good writer at the time, but still, this one is so stupid I at least should have thought something.  Yet at least I know exactly what I'm dealing with when I hear it.  Unlike...

 6) Sawk and Throh

It's a good thing this article includes pictures; otherwise you might assume that one on the left is actually a wooly white tube that rides around on people's feet.  In reality, they're a double-tribute to the ongoing "Striker vs Grappler" battle MMA adores, and also to some of the most forced misspelling ever to pretend they actually named Pokemon.  I have to wonder if you're just supposed to pronounce them like the actual English words they bastardize, or add a dopey drawl to "Sawk" and...how the Hell would I pronounce Throh?!

5) Tauros

If this wasn't a word frequently used to refer to maybe somewhat cool (in a New Age, hipster sense of the word) things, it would be higher on the list, but as it is, it's still on it somewhere, as it consists only of substituting in an exact Greek translation for the word, "bull".  I think they could have done better; like why not "Bullhardy"?  Or "Bulldreaded?"  Or "Bovinihilator"?  Come on; that one has to be a Pokemon name; guys!  Send me post a comment down there with your depiction of what "Bovinihilator" looks like, and I'll give you my Paypal for royalties.

4) Golem

 

Apparently, a "golem" (Not to be confused with "Gollum"; the ugly materialist creature from LOTR) is an animated stone behemoth in Jewish mythology.  So they applied the name directly to an animated stone behemoth in Pokemon, I guess.  In case you never considered, that's about the equivalent of naming a Dragon type Pokemon, "Dragon".  Or a Ghost Type "Ghost".  The worst offense, though, is that in its original stage, this Pokemon is known by the awesome name, Geodude, which conjures up all sorts of insane mental images of valuable stones asking you to slap them high-five in a mess of dated skateboard lingo.

3) Haunter

As noted above, fortunately the stupidity behind naming a big rock monster, simply, "Golem" did not extend to naming a Dragon Pokemon, simply, "Dragon", or a Ghost Pokemon, simply, "Ghost."  No; they were clearly exercising massive amounts of brain power when they presumably asked, "Hm; what does a ghost do?" and came up with this embarrassment.  I'm not exactly sure what name they should have thought of for this thing, but I do know that by these standards, Pikachu should have been named "Shocker", Hoothoot and/or Noctowl should have been "Hooter", Cubone and/or Marowak should have been "Boner", and Fearow should have been "Pecker".

Which, to be fair, would have been awesome.

2) Mr. Mime

 In all fairness to the people in charge of naming this thing, I have a feeling that no casual observer could have looked at it and come up with a name for it that wasn't a derogatory term for gay people.  Yet since the people in charge were obviously told it was supposed to be a Mime, they had much more to work with, but somehow decided to focus on the possibility that it was also a male mime, and hence we should address it like it was our teacher or boss.  It would take a total of one generation to introduce Pokemon gender; rendering the name potentially inaccurate on top of its lameness.

And this is on a Pokemon that wasn't very charismatic to begin with.  Which makes our final entry all the more tragic.

1) Persian

Somehow, when naming a cat Pokemon, the Pokemon company went back to the old "Golem" trip and just defaulted to the exact name of an actual cat, and that would have been lame enough.  However, what really earns this the number one spot in not only lameness but also stupidity, is that they actually got the wrong breed!  Seriously; that's a Siamese cat crossed with a mountain lion; plus a chakra to make it seem as though it could curse us with its Jedi powers, and they named it after this:

"Rawww; I are thcary, fierthe fighter!  Yawn!"

Not even getting into the immense physical differences between the two, the Persian breed is a lap cat with a belly that would drag in battle, and a perpetually held nose that makes air intake difficult.  Compare that to this description from the games: "Behind its lithe, elegant appearance lies a barbaric side. It will tear apart its prey on a mere whim."

Yeah; fail.

Think of some I missed?  Write about them in the comments!  But don't be surprised if I fail to see them from gaping at Bovinihilator's epic awesomeness.